Ah, the weekend. Troy's at a football game (I hear it's not going well) and I'm enjoying my Friday Night Freedom. I went to a birthday party for my friend's son. It was a pirate theme and I made myself a little bandanna. There were a lot of other friends there and it was nice to see everyone and chat. Actually, I'll see a lot of them tomorrow at a baby shower. I just finished making and wrapping my gift. It's just a blanket, but I like the colors. Hooray for going out of town to find fabric. Anyway, the new mom and the birthday mom are part of a long-time family in Blythe. The matriarch is our ward choir director and is trying to get me to come back to choir, but I just can't. Ever since Carrie's funeral, I don't really sing. Well, I'll sing along with the radio and in Primary, but I have a really hard time singing the hymns in sacrament and the one time I went to choir it wasn't any better. My heart just feels heavy when I think of making the words come out. But you can't really explain that to someone, especially without tears coming to the surface. I don't why singing is the part of me I lost with her, but I just can't do it anymore.
It's strange that sometimes Carrie's death just seems like a fact--that's the way it is and it all seems very distant. Others it's so fresh I can smell the flowers that filled our house and the way my clothes felt on my skin as I stood next to her casket.
Last week I realized we'll have to take Carrie's name off our rotating Christmas list. As traditions pass and milestones are marked, we're losing her. Our family is slowing becoming one less.
3 comments:
I was thinking, I have no experience when it comes to stuff like this, but I can imagine how hard it would be to slowly watch your family become "one less". Maybe you should incorporate her into your Christmas. Like a new family tradition. Get a new Ornament just for her each year and put it on your tree or something. That way, she is still included? But like I said, I have no experience in this area, so feel free to tell me to shut up. My heart goes out to you guys though. It's gotta be hard.
Thanks, Michelle. That's a good idea. I'll have to bring it up with the fam. Her fiance is planning on spending Christmas at our house this year, so although it will be sad, it will be good to have him there because in a strange way he helps fill the void.
Dang Ruth, I was just thinking about you this weekend and wondering how you were coping... I am so sorry hun... I don't even know what to tell you or how to help you. But I love you and as close as I can imagine I feel for you... I am so sorry. You know I am crappy at this stuff, but I hope you know how much I love ya, and how I wish I could help you through everything better... I guess I can say, that I just hope you find peace with it and live without the pain but keep all the memories.... Hang in there and screw the choir! haha. Love you! Take care....
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