Like a Story That Had Just Begun

Although I do have other things to talk about, today's blog is a special one for my sister Carrie. Today it has been 6 months since she was killed in a car accident. I miss her so much. I hadn't seen her since my brother's missionary homecoming last July. She had just moved away to go to school and had started dating a guy who later became her fiance. There was so much ahead for her. Anyone who's been my to MySpace page knows I've had "Who You'd Be Today" on my page for a long time. It's the perfect song for how I feel about Carrie. She was about to start a new life, one we never got to see her experience. I can only imagine what it would be like for her. I didn't see her with her fiance, except for that one day last July. I don't know if she'd be working now or pregnant with her first baby. There's so much unknown.

I just miss her. It's that simple. I miss what she could have been. I miss the excitement in her voice when she had good news. I miss her stories. I miss her smiles. I'll miss her when my brother and other sisters get married. I'll miss her being there when I have children. It's weird for me to know they and their cousins will never know their Aunt Carrie--that she'll just be an unknown character in too-old stories. For someone so full of life and so much a part of my memories of my family, I feel cheated that she will be held to such a small role in the long stories of our lives.

I've never been able to succinctly say what makes me who I am and what motivates me to do what I do, but now I feel like the loss of my sister defines me. At least it does to me. It's one of the few things I don't think will ever leave me. Remembering the moment my dad told me she had died. Seeing her lying on the cold metal table. Wanting to reach out and touch her delicate hands, the only part of her that was still her, but fearing what my fingers would find. Feeling a desparate final need to straighten her dress before we closed the casket so she would be forever perfect, just the way I wanted to remember her. Wishing everyone would just disappear so I could be with her, telling her how much she meant to me and how much I would miss her.

I hope she's happy and knows how much she means to us.